Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
