you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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