oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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