birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
