my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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