put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Someone came in the potted fern
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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