You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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