Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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