i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
