I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
