As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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