he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i came on her dog
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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