Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
