the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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