We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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