FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She made me pour olive oil on her.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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