Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wear drunk well.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
