i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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