The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
