guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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