I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
