Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
