Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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