I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
