i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's blow job season.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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