I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
