I need to stop coming to work sober
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
