Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
