He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This is not my ceiling
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
