do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
