shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
