Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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