Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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