obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
