You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
