How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've blown a few things in my day
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
