Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
