paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
