I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
