2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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