Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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