nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
