beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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