I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
