Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize