my mouth tastes like poor choices
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
