When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
