The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
