Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
