I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
