she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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