Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
