you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
