i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
