I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He passed out mid-signature
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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