ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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