So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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