someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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