I think I won the penis lottery.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
