Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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