Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
