dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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