yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
