Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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