If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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