When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
